hi! been having this account since 2017 and now i'm back with zero post and this gonna be my first post (again) !!
i dont know where to start because i never (always) know what's inside my mind. I, sometimes felt so bad for myself. I often told myself that i wasn't good enough, i did not worth any for people around me...
ok let me start with how i grew up... // i grew up without a father figure at all, even when my mom had a boyfriend.. i still don't think i have one. so, probably this could explain everything ( at least for me it is ).
Now, moved to my love life. i've had one bf before my 17 and it turns out so bad for leaving my friends over him. the reasons is because everyone kept on telling me he's not good enough for me who could gave everything to everyone before knowing himself first. so then i went for college, i meet another "one". i felt like, that was a mistake yet i'm still doing it either.... hahahah typical me.
i felt like this guy i met and dated in college understand me enough until my closest friends told me to leave my bf but then world turn things around. shit happens with all the truth that he's a totally jerk, playing victims, cheated so many times and even worst hurt myself, even including my mental health and also.. not to forget all those spiritual things he told me to manipulate me. ew. years passed by, i meet another 'ONE' unexpectedly. all my family loves him so much because i created the 'perfect' version of him infront of my family. lol :) because we all know how miserable and messed up his life is. i get dumped by a lot of my friend for always believing in him, trusting him, comforting him, PAYING ALL HIS BILLS, GIVING HIM FOODS, FINISHING HIS THESIS and worst is... doing the things i don't even enjoyed. been pushed because he left me with no choice. break up or do what he told me or wanted me to do. he flirts with a woman because he thought that i 'was' having 'fun' with my new friends in my apartment. LOOOL :( we all just having fun, talking, laughing. please dude. then when i get too enjoyed with my current life at that time, i decided to not contacting him at all ( we already broke up long ago and do those backstreet things and i finally realise that he only wants my money and using me because he know my weakness was always giving anything to anyone just because i'm so afraid of being alone ). then i met another 'one' who's currently... he's mine.
i never wanted to seek for one after those three man hurts me that bad. this guy.. is really is something. i can't find the reason why i chose him over my free time. why i chose him over everything that i could chose at that time to not be with someone. but he's just something..
i chose him over because i felt like he could understands me that well, he could be the 'father figure' (not in a bad ways in a good way that; he could tell me how to be a better person, how to decide things, how to made up my tangling mind. well to be honest, he kinda did and i'm so grateful for that. for him. )
but my mistakes was, we started first before knowing each other that well. there's a lot of disappointments over things that we haven't shown earlier i mean that is normal but what's not normal for me is... we communicate over things that we or me ( often me) is not the way it supposed to be. but it's just kept happening over and over again.
i mean like, i'm not making my own choices could be right either but i felt like ( always ) i already tried to do things the way i supposed to do but he never sees me doing it well. i felt like i had no choice, i can't argue over things that i thought that is not supposed to happen, i can't get those treatments as the first time i known him ( well, people changed eventually but this is BADDDD ).
when i'm with someone, i felt like he's my everything and even the one who i could spend the rest of my life with. i like to comforting people. treat people, loves people, cares about people a lot, more than i did to myself. but always the opposite guy that i met was never did the same thing like mine. i often felt like i don't know what should i do or don't. sometimes what i needed was only being a 911, being someone who he could rely and the first thing comes in his mind was me. but that would never happen. well.. maybe i'm stuck in fantasise like in a movie who a girl mets someone who cares enough, loves her enough that maybe i could get one like it.
i agree on maybe i'm too childish, too selfish for wanting someone to treat me the way i treated them but deep inside me was just longing for a man who ( probably cannot fill those emptyness of not having a father figure ) but made me felt safe, secure, locked, loved, and most important things that worth any ( any of his times, money, energy )..
it's just too hard to not get mad over the things he couldn't said, but i can't be right either for his arguments over mine. that even if he tells the truth, i'm still mad. but mad in this case is different like i'm mad, but i'm fine REALLY. like i just want that attention itself to get begged for not get mad (because i havent felt any for so long. i always on my own. deciding things for myself over anything and nobody could ever argue with my decision. ) i just want to be that important for someone. i mean like, i wanted to know that i dated a guy who sees me as one, who sees me as his important person in his life. not to be protective but to be the one he cares most and letting me know over everything he did it kinda makes me really important.
is there anyone like me who likes being mad just because getting mad is fun, arguing is fun until my own arguments did not leads to conclusion which gonna hurt my heart so bad yet i'm still so in love with him but now i just mad and i don't feel safe and i don't feel loved. my weakness, my bad traits is always feeling left out, feeling not good enough, and worst of all was feeling replaced and forgotten.
i just really need someone to be able to make me felt like i'm exist, i'm important. i'm not gonna be replace ( trauma of getting left by someone i loved (dads of course) ) and be able to make me felt like he did not forget that i exist...
huft, writing this in a cafe, crying in silence in front of a lots of stranger... it's really me. but i felt relieve. to be honest to myself. to be able to strangle this tangling mind of being not good enough and not worth enough to be loved.
dear myself,
i'm so sorry for haven't be able to find a guy who didn't make me stop feeling not good enough because i know im GOOD enough.
i'm so sorry for getting bad treatments for everyone that i couldn't speak up for me.
i'm so sorry that i felt in love with this guy who i don't know is he loves me or just stuck with me because he had no other choice...
i'm so sorry that... is still not making me happy with my decision.
just be patient, imma be the better version of myself for me. imma be proud of myself again so soon and know that this guy who's been with me for 6 months, is the guy that i choose and i believe he's gonna make me the happiest girl someday so soon.
i love myself.
bye for now! <3
